A mother without empathy

內有暗黑文,慎入

不行,我受不了了,要一吐為快。

Ever since my mom came back from the US, I feel she’s becoming more harsh, and less empathy towards what I am going through. Maybe she thinks I’m old enough and I shouldn’t run to her for everything or I shouldn’t put the pressure and hard work I am dealing with on her…

I don’t know.

It really hurts my feelings and I feel I will reveal less and less to her.

I know I can be harsh too when I say I don’t feel loved, you and dad loves brother more,… but sometimes that’s really how I feel, and she would just say, stop it. Or when I said I wanted to see the doctor today about my ear, she said, “well go see a mental doctor too….”. Well, thanks.

Doesn’t she see I need some empathy, I need some love, I need help?

Sometimes it’s really frustrating.

As a teen, I have grown up hearing her bashing on dad’s mean actions towards her. Hearing those things as a child is really painful, yet she goes on and on.

I somehow understood that she needs an audience so I listen and I give her suggestions. But sometimes when it’s too much, I tell her please stop, and she goes mad at me too. Without acknowledging I am the only one who listens to her every single day(sometimes as frequent), not brother, not grandparents, and for sure not dad, , sometimes aunt, but most of the time, just me. Because I see her needs, I see her frustration.

Even when she was in the US, I acted as a bridge to communicate with dad, and communicated with her, and how dad thinks about certain things that she couldn’t understand, I explained to her every bit of detail. Because I could empathy dad, and dad is less emotionally controllable, and mom couldn’t see all this. So I did the hard work, oh I tried so hard. And their relationships have become better. But when mom talks ill about dad in front of me, I don’t just feed her my thoughts and force her to suck it up, I would tell her why I understand she can’t get it. And it takes time. But now she is just so hard on me, and I don’t even know why she hates me like that. Has she forgotten when she was weak how it felt like? Yes, I get impatient sometimes when she keeps on telling me the same thing over and over again, and I do let her know I can’t deal with it, which I think is reasonable, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care for her hardships.

I don’t think she cares about me enough about my feelings.

I can almost always predict a negative feedback whenever I want to talk to her.

When one morning I was trying to chat about something, I said, “you know the other day….” and then I stopped and said “Well, but it’s a bit gossiping.” She said immediately, “well then don’t say it, I hate hearing gossips.” While I have been dealing with her gossip for the fucking past ten years of my fucking life. So I decided I would say nothing anymore, if that’s what she wants.

For the past two months, I have been working almost till midnight for almost 1/2 of the time, and come home late, she said nothing. Yes, I do sometimes stupidly want to hear “take a rest” or “don’t come home too late.”… I guess I am expecting too much for being cared, and I should deal with my problems, my hardships myself unless I want to be hurt even more.

Somehow I feel she’s the center of the universe, only her life matters, others should deal with their own life themselves, others should deal with their own hardships. She only wants the bright story from everyone else and not the darker side when one needs help. And when I tell her that I feel she’s sometimes kind of self-centered sometimes, she gets angry without even giving it a second thought.

When someone says something, it should be taken seriously. But my own mom takes it without empathy.

Damn it.

I hope I had no family sometimes, why is having a family so difficult. I tried so hard to make everyone feel better while not being cared for myself. I come from a selfish family. And although I don’t need to worry about money, living a good life, there’s an emptiness, a hole there that will never be filled.

(But my brother’s been quite sweet recently.)

Thanks to my friends who helped me survive the tough times.

It is always the closest people who hurt you the most. We don’t get to choose our family, but we can learn and avoid the mistakes once done to us.

這時候就會想到那句「來互相傷害啊。」

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by the way, if she saw this, I predict she would be angry and upset and come to me perhaps bashing on me, feeling upset about me and that’s all her feelings, not caring what I wish to hear, what I need in any way, which is mal-communication again. So like I said, it doesn’t work if I wanted to communicate, she’ll just think it’s my problem. So, don’t be a fool and just remain quiet with my own problems, only I can save myself.

Being the good guy is no use.

So let’s just be mean and hurt each other.

 

 

最近有時候會跟朋友聊到,我父母也是學術圈的,然後就會問長大的過程中他們會給你壓力嗎?

我說有,壓力很大。

 

那天有個新聞,北一女15歲跳樓,可能因為太聽話了,媽媽就說幸好瑋廉夠堅定、聲音夠大,能夠讓他們聽到不同的聲音,才不會跳樓。我心裡就想,馬的,那聽話的人就活該受罪嗎?因為我就是那個存活的聽話女孩,卻常常活在痛苦之中。父母真的不好當啊,一方面給我龐大的壓力,我媽總是說一定要學程式,一定要bla bla bla,一方面又教導我要堅強,真是要讓人人格分裂了。

當然,要為自己的人生負責,一直往回看也沒什麼意思,但是要我全部放下,也是時候未到。所以最好別提到這種廢話…

 

Yes, I have a very dark side in me, ever wondered why?

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A smooth life is not a life to live.

我無聊的回去查了查大學老師們,恰巧看到一部學弟妹安排老師們會學生講一些話的影片,

其實我一直很好奇,到底為什麼,是什麼原因,讓我大學過得如此空虛、如此無為。

除了我自己不成熟之外,

難道老師們沒有任何影響嗎?

回去看了影片之後,發現許多老師們根本就是沒有經歷過苦難的人,

感覺就是一路蠻順遂當上老師的人,

所以講的話實在是沒有什麼參考價值…Orz

講得好像人生很簡單,不然就是矯揉造作、溫情喊話(我好壞)

像是擁有一切的人跟在底層翻滾的人說,加油喔,船到橋頭自然直,如此的諷刺。

只是包上了一層老師對學生的角色因而變得合理的一席屁話 (對不起我很mean)

也許你們有你們的專業(?) 但是人生的建議還是不要亂給好嗎…..

大膽承認講講自己的人生過得多順遂,認知到自己沒有經歷過太大苦難,自己是幸運一群還比較中肯。

或是,其實他們自己也沒有誠實的面對過自己的選擇……

火力有點猛,只是覺得don’t like those up there with no wisdom.

幸福感

好久沒有這種感覺了,

是種旅程開始與結束的中繼站,是種興奮望向未來但也有過去可以回顧的階段,

是種慢慢把懸浮在空中的虛擬想像一手一手抓下來固定在地上的逐漸安定感,

是種,知道隨時隨地都會發生各種突發狀況的時段,

是種,仍可以拼了老命,但是越趨沈穩知道細水長流不急在這一時半刻的階段,

是種,一切即將改變,但是卻很堅定地知道即使沒有東西是掌控的了的,但是凡事都會自有安排,無需焦慮、無需比較,

是種,前所未有的興奮感,有挫折可以考究、在不斷衝撞下留下來的精華可以參考,

是種,無懼、勇敢,興奮無比的階段,

是種既驕傲、又清楚自己的不足,而且可以誠實面對(有時候),

是種,灑脫、自由的年紀,

是種,慢慢可以為旁人付出更多的年紀,

多好 :)

 

Thank you my dear family and friends, for all the love and support,

I couldn’t have survived and gone this far without you,

And feel honored to grow, learn and age with you.

 

Hello, the 26 me.

Let’s do this, let’s slowly sail to the pathway, and harvest.

 

Eternity journey

From time to time I come by and review myself, informally and spontaneously.

I have come to realize some of my limitations, some I thought I would’ve been able to overcome. Despite I still believe I can overcome them given the time and effort. But now another question is, is it worth it? Or, more precisely, do I want to?

Each new encounter of thinking and making sense of the mind and brain and physiology is eye-opening, and even mind-blowing sometimes. But be careful not to miss out the big question, what you want to know, what you want to achieve with them, are they tools or are they the content, the core of your interest itself.

This morning I learned about biofeedback, it’s very cool to measure stuff like your heart rate, your breath and your skin conductance, skin temperature. But what can I do with them? What can they tell me about the mind?… Just a reminder, this is such a sloppy piece…

厭世這件事

The more you know and the more clearly you think the worse you  feel about everything.

One once thought thinking clear, knowing more was a way to freedom, to set the mind free. But I have just witnessed so many clear minds who feel sad about the the truth they found out, sad about their own work even if others admire them, which are admiring from the outside. Truly, by only seeing things from the outside, the blurriness makes everything beautiful. But the fact that you become more unhappy with what you have put so much effort in is so unfortunate however….. You dreamed of one thing and came out with something you never thought of, and realized how unpleasant it felt.

I had walked this way, I have felt this way, and it become so vivid to me especially among the academic community. I don’t know where everything went so wrong, however. The truth is always ugly I guess. But seeing so many great people with dissatisfied life is not a good thing…..

But then, if you could stay ignorant and be happy, is that a better choice?

I don’t know.

Turning to late 20s

I think I will never age mentally, when I look into the mirror, it’s still that dreamy girl I see, still with hope in her eyes no matter how hard it gets.

Still the girl who likes to make up stories in her mind, recently working on the dragging behind while climbing one. Still the girl who goes crazy in a run when the dopamine rushes through along with the music notes.

I am still working working working hard towards my goal.

Chasing time and trend

Heavy and light.

The strength of ocean waves and the weight of a feather.

Yesterday was Harry’s oral defense, learned a lot from the discussions.

Especially in methodology, Harry used step-wise regression but resulted in 32 variables, which was considered by one teacher that it’s too much, whereas another teacher directly proposed machine learning, tree-something and cnn and video analysis to see a person’s face.

And the R square would increase immediately.

Afterwards, teacher came and told us about how it’s important to be the first who goes against the wind. Many technologies, you need to be the first or the leading ones. Becasue that’s how people from the outside world would inspect your work.

Teacher is willing to spend a lot of money to become one of the best labs in doing this.

As I was listening to him and the ambitious for acheiving all this, I felt a sudden drive of excitement, but also needed to stop and think how would this be helpful?

Need also to read a lot of papers and recall my memory of statistics, regression, linear and nonlinear and ANOVA. It always become an obstacle when reading papers.

Other than that I need to think about how can I test my experiments to make it valid. Right now it seems a bit specific. Material wise. Although we are aiming for the fmri, I don’t think it’s simply the answer to everything.n Catch up Whitney, catch up.

 

Life is hard

最近覺得人生好難,看到好多障礙好多阻礙,也不確定說是不是健康的。

不由得讓我懷疑自己如此負面的情緒到底是從哪裡長出來的?

從…許多無法說出口的憤怒、從找不到歸屬感的不安定、從面對不公平卻無能為力、從人生中各種令人難過失望的口語承受著龐大而沈重的負擔。

每次都在回味小時候的我、在瑞典的我,那個天真充滿幻想充滿希望的女孩跑哪裡去了,

不想變得市儈、不想長大變成熟、不想……但是once bitten twice shy,是人存活的自然機制,

其實超級害怕還要告訴自己勇敢,尤其對於敏感的人來說好困難。

想要卻做不到,知道與其花時間難過,還不如一步一步執行有意義的事。

但是就是知易行難。

要是我勇敢的時候你們可以多點支持多好,
要是我需要的時候你們可以在多好,

即使我現在偶爾抗議,你們仍聽不進去我求救的話語,我想找回小時候不敢爭取的權利。只要你們說了解,同理,其實我很好安撫,但你們總只看到你們有給予的,我當然感恩,但是卻於事無補,你們無法知道我需要的是什麼因為你們只看到自己。真的,即使你們所做的一切都有你們的正當理由,但你們卻看不到我的傷口。也許你們看來是無病呻吟,但是我知道那是傷口,因為他很痛很痛。是我偶爾跌倒時無法堅強站起來的弱點 阿基里斯的腳踝。

 

健康的人類是後天產生的,

心志決定一切

你們不懂人生但我(覺得)我懂,所以痛苦,

覺得事情不應該像這樣發展,想要抵抗卻又無能為力,有時候就是這麼的絕望,

想要放棄垂死掙扎,說不定還比較簡單一點

偏偏我就是固執,所以痛苦。

人生好難。