Ever since my mom came back from the US, I feel she’s becoming more harsh, and less empathy towards what I am going through. Maybe she thinks I’m old enough and I shouldn’t run to her for everything or I shouldn’t put the pressure and hard work I am dealing with on her…
I don’t know.
It really hurts my feelings and I feel I will reveal less and less to her.
I know I can be harsh too when I say I don’t feel loved, you and dad loves brother more,… but sometimes that’s really how I feel, and she would just say, stop it. Or when I said I wanted to see the doctor today about my ear, she said, “well go see a mental doctor too….”. Well, thanks.
Doesn’t she see I need some empathy, I need some love, I need help?
Sometimes it’s really frustrating.
As a teen, I have grown up hearing her bashing on dad’s mean actions towards her. Hearing those things as a child is really painful, yet she goes on and on.
I somehow understood that she needs an audience so I listen and I give her suggestions. But sometimes when it’s too much, I tell her please stop, and she goes mad at me too. Without acknowledging I am the only one who listens to her every single day(sometimes as frequent), not brother, not grandparents, and for sure not dad, , sometimes aunt, but most of the time, just me. Because I see her needs, I see her frustration.
Even when she was in the US, I acted as a bridge to communicate with dad, and communicated with her, and how dad thinks about certain things that she couldn’t understand, I explained to her every bit of detail. Because I could empathy dad, and dad is less emotionally controllable, and mom couldn’t see all this. So I did the hard work, oh I tried so hard. And their relationships have become better. But when mom talks ill about dad in front of me, I don’t just feed her my thoughts and force her to suck it up, I would tell her why I understand she can’t get it. And it takes time. But now she is just so hard on me, and I don’t even know why she hates me like that. Has she forgotten when she was weak how it felt like? Yes, I get impatient sometimes when she keeps on telling me the same thing over and over again, and I do let her know I can’t deal with it, which I think is reasonable, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t care for her hardships.
I don’t think she cares about me enough about my feelings.
I can almost always predict a negative feedback whenever I want to talk to her.
When one morning I was trying to chat about something, I said, “you know the other day….” and then I stopped and said “Well, but it’s a bit gossiping.” She said immediately, “well then don’t say it, I hate hearing gossips.” While I have been dealing with her gossip for the fucking past ten years of my fucking life. So I decided I would say nothing anymore, if that’s what she wants.
For the past two months, I have been working almost till midnight for almost 1/2 of the time, and come home late, she said nothing. Yes, I do sometimes stupidly want to hear “take a rest” or “don’t come home too late.”… I guess I am expecting too much for being cared, and I should deal with my problems, my hardships myself unless I want to be hurt even more.
Somehow I feel she’s the center of the universe, only her life matters, others should deal with their own life themselves, others should deal with their own hardships. She only wants the bright story from everyone else and not the darker side when one needs help. And when I tell her that I feel she’s sometimes kind of self-centered sometimes, she gets angry without even giving it a second thought.
When someone says something, it should be taken seriously. But my own mom takes it without empathy.
I hope I had no family sometimes, why is having a family so difficult. I tried so hard to make everyone feel better while not being cared for myself. I come from a selfish family. And although I don’t need to worry about money, living a good life, there’s an emptiness, a hole there that will never be filled.
(But my brother’s been quite sweet recently.)
Thanks to my friends who helped me survive the tough times.
It is always the closest people who hurt you the most. We don’t get to choose our family, but we can learn and avoid the mistakes once done to us.
by the way, if she saw this, I predict she would be angry and upset and come to me perhaps bashing on me, feeling upset about me and that’s all her feelings, not caring what I wish to hear, what I need in any way, which is mal-communication again. So like I said, it doesn’t work if I wanted to communicate, she’ll just think it’s my problem. So, don’t be a fool and just remain quiet with my own problems, only I can save myself.
Being the good guy is no use.
So let’s just be mean and hurt each other.
那天有個新聞，北一女15歲跳樓，可能因為太聽話了，媽媽就說幸好瑋廉夠堅定、聲音夠大，能夠讓他們聽到不同的聲音，才不會跳樓。我心裡就想，馬的，那聽話的人就活該受罪嗎？因為我就是那個存活的聽話女孩，卻常常活在痛苦之中。父母真的不好當啊，一方面給我龐大的壓力，我媽總是說一定要學程式，一定要bla bla bla，一方面又教導我要堅強，真是要讓人人格分裂了。
Yes, I have a very dark side in me, ever wondered why?