From time to time I come by and review myself, informally and spontaneously.
I have come to realize some of my limitations, some I thought I would’ve been able to overcome. Despite I still believe I can overcome them given the time and effort. But now another question is, is it worth it? Or, more precisely, do I want to?
Each new encounter of thinking and making sense of the mind and brain and physiology is eye-opening, and even mind-blowing sometimes. But be careful not to miss out the big question, what you want to know, what you want to achieve with them, are they tools or are they the content, the core of your interest itself.
This morning I learned about biofeedback, it’s very cool to measure stuff like your heart rate, your breath and your skin conductance, skin temperature. But what can I do with them? What can they tell me about the mind?… Just a reminder, this is such a sloppy piece…
The more you know and the more clearly you think the worse you feel about everything.
One once thought thinking clear, knowing more was a way to freedom, to set the mind free. But I have just witnessed so many clear minds who feel sad about the the truth they found out, sad about their own work even if others admire them, which are admiring from the outside. Truly, by only seeing things from the outside, the blurriness makes everything beautiful. But the fact that you become more unhappy with what you have put so much effort in is so unfortunate however….. You dreamed of one thing and came out with something you never thought of, and realized how unpleasant it felt.
I had walked this way, I have felt this way, and it become so vivid to me especially among the academic community. I don’t know where everything went so wrong, however. The truth is always ugly I guess. But seeing so many great people with dissatisfied life is not a good thing…..
But then, if you could stay ignorant and be happy, is that a better choice?
I don’t know.
I think I will never age mentally, when I look into the mirror, it’s still that dreamy girl I see, still with hope in her eyes no matter how hard it gets.
Still the girl who likes to make up stories in her mind, recently working on the dragging behind while climbing one. Still the girl who goes crazy in a run when the dopamine rushes through along with the music notes.
I am still working working working hard towards my goal.