Untangle

After having a very tangled weekend and over the “Taiwanese(or Chinese whatever…(I hate how everything becomes so political and sensitive somehow..)) Mid-summer holidays”端午節, I decided to stay quiet for a minute and meditate to a video to calm myself down, followed by a very meaningful TED talk. And it worked.

Sometimes the mind is playing a trick, and we get lost in the tangled mess, which is also hard for us to see what’s going on. Because once in that state, you see no solutions, you only see troubles and darkness, you block your ears to the music, let alone the possibilities to strive for relief. One just wishes to drown oneself. Yes, it goes that deep…

I have gotten there quite a few times myself, despite I’m such a naturally joyful and optimistic person. I have my moments as well. While meditating and listening to the sound of waves, it magically brings back some warm, and cheerful memories by the beach in Gotland, where I felt so closely related to the friends around me and the nature earth somehow. The feeling that I am so close to the best part of the world I could ever be in. And the strength telling me, I am powerful enough to find this feeling again in my life.

As time go by, life gets tougher and tougher the stress just grows and grows and the feeling of unable to be right where I want to be with who I want to be sometimes gets me choking for air to breathe… Tough as it seems, I know I must keep going and keep fighting for that end to happen. And I just know I can reach the peak.

It just seems impossible at the bottom of the mountain. But once you reach there, you can’t ever remember how you managed to overcome everything along the way. And you stayed strong all the way up, with thoughts of giving up poping out from time to time, you hurt, you feel pain, you fear, you tremble, you bleed, you clench your teeth hard, and yet you keep going and yet you didn’t stop in the middle. And yet, you know you will get there, you will reach that peak and joy and find happiness and the clear air up there. But you gotta climb.

I then listened to the TED talk about a Venezuela immigrant to the US, her father wanted her to experience multicultural and sent them at a young age to the US for a summer camp, as things didn’t work out when she grew up to be a journalist in Venezuela, due to censorship, she realized what her father had been preparing her for, to work abroad. And as an immigrant, she learned the lesson of being different is what makes us special. This reminded me of dad, whom when I went home from kindergarten in the UK at the age of 4, doubted myself of having smaller eyes and black hair which is different from my classmates, said to me “That’s what makes you special.” Dad probably had no idea how powerful that sentence were and how it had a long and strong impact to my life in the following years up until now. I always remember vividly that what makes me different makes me special. And I felt so thankful of my family. The one person was great and wonderful in many aspects was wrong about one thing. he said I was neither culture. But in fact I’m both, and in fact that makes me special, and that should not be a problem, or, at least, my problem.

Then I watched some of Joanna Soh’s quotes, she is a Malaysian fitness trainer whom I really look up to. And found some strength too.

Overall, feeling inner peace and inner joy, as well as appreciating things around me is very helpful to dealing with depressed feelings. One little thing is that for those who make us in pain, we can try to empathy, but we should also always always put ourselves first. Heal and then forgive, or forget.

Stay strong and smile while you are reading this. Because that’s the strongest weapon we can put on ourselves. 🙂

 

With love,

Arrival of summer

It is hot and sunny today, here’s to the sunny summer.

I still remembered how I first arrived in Uppsala, hiding from the sun while everyone else was magnetically attracted to the sun. I was alone lying in the shadow. And I have never loved the sun so much after an year of study and living in the north, magnetically attracted to the sun like everyone else.

Leaving me a love and hate situation about the sun now.

I guess the surroundings matter A LOT.