My dad has a really strong personal view on certain things.
Here, I would like to talk about his view on success.
He looks down upon many things. Happiness to him is just an illusion, and meaningless. He refers to it as “Very good self perception”(自我感覺良好). He thinks I am an incorrigible optimist. And that I am cheating on myself as if everything is fine when it’s not.
Eating at a good restaurant, seeing nice exhibitions etc. in his eyes are like those people who just rushes to somewhere famous just because everyone else is talking about it. And he referred those to me and my mom. Sometimes I wonder where’d it went wrong? How can he become so parted away from us? Why does he not know us and even refuses to understand.
He has a very hierarchy view on social realities. Those who need to work under other people are losers. And he is (although he constantly resists to admit) a very arrogant person even to family members. He would spit out the most unbearable words to one in the face without worrying what it might cause even to the closest people.
I know he is saying this to warn us how horrible the reality is and probably to show he knows best. But the truth is I’m the only one in my family who’s been out there working in business. He’s spent his life in the academic world. And had often times wished he had another option, but also perplexed to say so because he has already a very good occupation in a university. Which was a path chosen by his father and because that’s what every other students did at that time, to go abroad and study and become a researcher, a professor.
Currently he’s blaming on me about not listening to his suggestions and that everything’s too late to be fixed. I am here to take on my wrong decisions. Well, as a child of his. I have learned to shut down certain voices around me to keep myself up and going. If I were to start crying for myself. I know everything would only be worse. So, I don’t understand the purpose he said that. As you know, he often speaks without thinking.
Cursing, blaming, and disparaging on others without thinking is always easier than to communicate and can even make one feel he/she is superior as he/she is belittling the surrounding. But when you feel you are the whole world, you trap yourself in your own illusion, you don’t listen, nor do you feel for others. That is how all the conflicts and misunderstanding raises, is it not?
I feel very thankful for every step I have taken, I take on full responsibility for every decision I have made and although I am not completely happy about where I am, I know my path more clearly and certainly, because I am here to go the distance, not for a single shallow fame. I don’t have recognition or a huge title which I have used to. But I have never felt so confident about myself and I have worked hard for it. I do not feel sorry or leave regrets. I do not need a title I cannot live up to. I need one when I’m good enough and it will come naturally by then and I will know it.