Not a coward

機會不是留給緊張害怕的人,而是步步踏實去做的人。

My buddy said this to me when I was completely frightened by the things waiting ahead of me. It was always the case.

But when I eventually lost all my excuses and accomplish the tasks one by one bit by bit, sometimes the results and the task doesn’t turn out as miserable as it seemed to be in the first place out of my pure imagination.

Yes, I failed and failed and failed and yet again. I was strong before but I feel the strong wall built by my motives and positivity is  shattering down… I feel the weakness and darkness deep inside, so fragile. Since when had I felt so weak? I have not yet proved anything, not in my academics area, not in my faith of holding on, not being strong… Am I choosing to neglect? Am I choosing to escape now? Am I? Do I dare face it once again? Sometimes, in fact often times, I feel extremely vulnerable to the sounds and voices of people around me, what they are bossing about, what they are looking at, what they are murmuring, what they are whispering to each other…

Now I realize another downside of dense population: Everything you do is under some sort of spectrum. Even if it’s pure imagination, the pressure remains. It’s already hard enough, could you for god’s sake just let me face it alone?

But all of a sudden, I realized my heart, my own self-confidence is doing this all to me. Were I strong enough, I wouldn’t care. Were I happy and positive enough, it would all disappear. My mind is making me fear the surroundings, it’s telling me stories about a girl of failure, my heart is making up the story that I. will. fail.

But no! Why? Why do you scare yourself away? It does’t help in the least. Why torture yourself? You get to choose. You get to decide whether you are going to be a coward or not. So please, fight against that little monster inside of you. Maybe there are people out there trying to call it out, for whatever intentions they my have. You know you are the one in charge of your body, soul and mind. Please take back the control of yourself, please please please be strong again. Think of the positivities in life, think of those beautiful memories to stay awake and alive, do not shut your eyes, do not shut your ears, do not GIVE UP.

No matter how hard and tough it seems, you know it’s never the end, slow and steady wins the race, you know that.

Listen to your heart, there is something calling you, that’s your conscience. You know you CAN and you HAVE TO.

What do you want for life?

I want to be happy.

What is “happiness” to you?

It is to get to the goal to do what I had wanted to do all my life. And live with a healthy state of mind and body. And be surrounded with the people I love. I want to be free as well. I want to travel, I want to know people from all over the world.

How can you get it?

I don’t know………………………

………………….

But I know that if I give up, I will never reach it.

Lost and faith, dream and fear

(The two ABC dudes sitting next to me in the coffee shop is so rude, urgh, stupid American self-centered spirit, no class at all!)

Didn’t sleep too well last night, kept thinking about my life. Thought about my goals, thought about my capabilities. How to make a decision between my faith, desire, and ability? Am I really capable of reaching my destination through the path I am on right now? And if yes, how long will it take?

Read a book while I was suffering from insomnia last night, called 自信與自知 (confidence and self-knowledge), by 彭歌 who is the same age as my grandpa. Here are some parts I really liked: 第一章『樂觀』 – 樂觀,不是盲目的空想,而是一種健康的、均衡的、使自己愉快也使所有與你交接的人都感到愉快的態度,一個樂觀的人絕不漠視眼前的與將來可能遭遇到的困難,但是,他決不畏懼,絕不退避,而樂於在「盡其在我」的努力中,享受到克服困難的真趣。

第二張『信念』 – 聖奧古斯丁有論「信仰」之言,最為透徹。他說,「所謂的信仰者,就是相信你的眼睛看不見,而你的心靈知道它必然會實現的東西。」而亦唯有如此,方可見信仰之可貴。古今中外的聖賢豪傑,不爭功名利祿,不計身家安危,而獨於其良心深處的是非之辨與信仰之誠,絕無妥協讓步之餘地。

另一段,他說道,人間上智如蘇格拉底之於哲學、哥白尼之於科學,都不僅不為其同時代的人所崇敬或了解,甚至也不為當時的人所容忍,可是他們執著於真理,抱守道義,寧可以身殉道,絕不放棄信仰而謀求眼前的的榮利與平安….。

…但是,目標越遠大,常常不是一般人可以看得到的。我們今日談信仰,應該不適用看得見的一時現象來判斷,而要歸咎於良知深處堅信無疑的東西。相信其「理有必至」、「事有必然」則不論眼前光景如何就可以秉持既定的信念,全力以赴,不達目標絕不罷休。

還有一篇文章叫做「專業」:…每個人都應該有理想有目標,才能使人活得有意義。每個人的才智、志趣不同,際遇也不同,因此各有本業。這本業有時就是他的職業 – 這種人最幸福,因為在工作的時候他就同時得到了心靈的滿足,不會有「為五斗米折腰」、「為稻粱謀」的感慨。但本業有時與職業不太有關,就需要自己內心中下一番「協調」的工夫了。…

 

為什麼我們的國高中課本沒有收錄這樣的文章呢?

 

The words are so well written, and the examples he gave shows how much knowledge he has, unlike writers nowadays that try to please the public with claptrap and writes extremely hollow. (Thanks to the media, too of course)

Anyways, it is rather philosophical thinking by way of the Chinese cultural slangs and sayings and ancient philosophers. They recall of grandpa’s wisdoms. But, I can’t help but suspect my abilities……

 

My humble reflection and summary on Big data lecture by Viktor Mayer-Schönberger

First of all, his speech is by far the best I have heard on this topic, although I have not heard many, (Only heard a few when I participated in the Big data competition held by SAS and a big company, but I didn’t like those talks, 因為感覺都是一些耍小聰明又自以為是的人而且非常利益取向…., might just be my personal prejudice though).

(不過查了資料才發現原來他是牛津大學的教授。)

From the talk of his, I had a few conclusions about big data:

First, it’s very useful in dealing with things that has a greater amount of exceptional, or things that has absolutely no reasoning that just happens to be so. For example, languages that are ever-changing, or what people buy in the supermarkets, where no strict logics lie in-between. But, they DON’T need to have a logic either! Big data only needs to focus on the “WHAT”, not the “WHY”. It is capable of finding out the human behavior in every area (using computer science), as long as data can be collected in a LARGE amount, making correlation instead of causality linkages which allows us to have insights to predict and give solutions. Since giving solutions and finding out problems had always been the major task in the process of dealing with the problem. (The procedure: identify the problem->what the causes might be->solve it.) However, through big data, it bypasses the “cause-identifying” process, but gives even more accurate (or direct) solutions, with a smaller cost (easy to collect), in a shorter amount of time in comparison to the “usual” way.

Since quite often, people make wrong assumptions of the “causes”, therefore giving the wrong solutions. And then we have to “slowly” learn from mistakes to find out the real causation, and not until then can we give solutions.

Big data, on the other hand, “allows micro inaccuracy, giving bigger insights on the macro level.”

Second, many assumptions at hand that can be tested. The computer deals with “BIG” data, so instead of making just a few hypothesis, the computer runs through all possible assumptions to see which one fits. They are creating things and insights through the human behaviour itself. (This concept is still pretty strange to me.)

Finally, model updates. Google once made a big mistake in predicting the happening of the bird flu, because the model was not updated since 2009, however, the human technology renovates and so the human behavior changes over time. Since the big data is based on the human behavior, it must also be kept updated accordingly. Interesting. And also very 依賴的.

We once thought that the human behavior is the one thing that is illogic, and social science remains somewhat controversial to be a subject, not to mention proposing a theory, say international theory, that was discussed by my friend, Rose. May big data, which uses human behavior to find solutions to human behavior with big big datas be the solution to it?

I also find big data largely useful for business, everything leads back to creating profits, but could it be used more wisely in finding the correct answers? Probably not. Or at least not as far as I could think of.

These, of course, are just the concept, how it actually works would be another different story about lots of algorithms, digits and of course, statistics. (The hard part.)

P.S. I really want to read George Orwell’s 1984.