厭世這件事

The more you know and the more clearly you think the worse you  feel about everything.

One once thought thinking clear, knowing more was a way to freedom, to set the mind free. But I have just witnessed so many clear minds who feel sad about the the truth they found out, sad about their own work even if others admire them, which are admiring from the outside. Truly, by only seeing things from the outside, the blurriness makes everything beautiful. But the fact that you become more unhappy with what you have put so much effort in is so unfortunate however….. You dreamed of one thing and came out with something you never thought of, and realized how unpleasant it felt.

I had walked this way, I have felt this way, and it become so vivid to me especially among the academic community. I don’t know where everything went so wrong, however. The truth is always ugly I guess. But seeing so many great people with dissatisfied life is not a good thing…..

But then, if you could stay ignorant and be happy, is that a better choice?

I don’t know.

Turning to late 20s

I think I will never age mentally, when I look into the mirror, it’s still that dreamy girl I see, still with hope in her eyes no matter how hard it gets.

Still the girl who likes to make up stories in her mind, recently working on the dragging behind while climbing one. Still the girl who goes crazy in a run when the dopamine rushes through along with the music notes.

I am still working working working hard towards my goal.

Chasing time and trend

Heavy and light.

The strength of ocean waves and the weight of a feather.

Yesterday was Harry’s oral defense, learned a lot from the discussions.

Especially in methodology, Harry used step-wise regression but resulted in 32 variables, which was considered by one teacher that it’s too much, whereas another teacher directly proposed machine learning, tree-something and cnn and video analysis to see a person’s face.

And the R square would increase immediately.

Afterwards, teacher came and told us about how it’s important to be the first who goes against the wind. Many technologies, you need to be the first or the leading ones. Becasue that’s how people from the outside world would inspect your work.

Teacher is willing to spend a lot of money to become one of the best labs in doing this.

As I was listening to him and the ambitious for acheiving all this, I felt a sudden drive of excitement, but also needed to stop and think how would this be helpful?

Need also to read a lot of papers and recall my memory of statistics, regression, linear and nonlinear and ANOVA. It always become an obstacle when reading papers.

Other than that I need to think about how can I test my experiments to make it valid. Right now it seems a bit specific. Material wise. Although we are aiming for the fmri, I don’t think it’s simply the answer to everything.n Catch up Whitney, catch up.

 

Life is hard

最近覺得人生好難,看到好多障礙好多阻礙,也不確定說是不是健康的。

不由得讓我懷疑自己如此負面的情緒到底是從哪裡長出來的?

從…許多無法說出口的憤怒、從找不到歸屬感的不安定、從面對不公平卻無能為力、從人生中各種令人難過失望的口語承受著龐大而沈重的負擔。

每次都在回味小時候的我、在瑞典的我,那個天真充滿幻想充滿希望的女孩跑哪裡去了,

不想變得市儈、不想長大變成熟、不想……但是once bitten twice shy,是人存活的自然機制,

其實超級害怕還要告訴自己勇敢,尤其對於敏感的人來說好困難。

想要卻做不到,知道與其花時間難過,還不如一步一步執行有意義的事。

但是就是知易行難。

要是我勇敢的時候你們可以多點支持多好,
要是我需要的時候你們可以在多好,

即使我現在偶爾抗議,你們仍聽不進去我求救的話語,我想找回小時候不敢爭取的權利。只要你們說了解,同理,其實我很好安撫,但你們總只看到你們有給予的,我當然感恩,但是卻於事無補,你們無法知道我需要的是什麼因為你們只看到自己。真的,即使你們所做的一切都有你們的正當理由,但你們卻看不到我的傷口。也許你們看來是無病呻吟,但是我知道那是傷口,因為他很痛很痛。是我偶爾跌倒時無法堅強站起來的弱點 阿基里斯的腳踝。

 

健康的人類是後天產生的,

心志決定一切

你們不懂人生但我(覺得)我懂,所以痛苦,

覺得事情不應該像這樣發展,想要抵抗卻又無能為力,有時候就是這麼的絕望,

想要放棄垂死掙扎,說不定還比較簡單一點

偏偏我就是固執,所以痛苦。

人生好難。

 

Untangle

After having a very tangled weekend and over the “Taiwanese(or Chinese whatever…(I hate how everything becomes so political and sensitive somehow..)) Mid-summer holidays”端午節, I decided to stay quiet for a minute and meditate to a video to calm myself down, followed by a very meaningful TED talk. And it worked.

Sometimes the mind is playing a trick, and we get lost in the tangled mess, which is also hard for us to see what’s going on. Because once in that state, you see no solutions, you only see troubles and darkness, you block your ears to the music, let alone the possibilities to strive for relief. One just wishes to drown oneself. Yes, it goes that deep…

I have gotten there quite a few times myself, despite I’m such a naturally joyful and optimistic person. I have my moments as well. While meditating and listening to the sound of waves, it magically brings back some warm, and cheerful memories by the beach in Gotland, where I felt so closely related to the friends around me and the nature earth somehow. The feeling that I am so close to the best part of the world I could ever be in. And the strength telling me, I am powerful enough to find this feeling again in my life.

As time go by, life gets tougher and tougher the stress just grows and grows and the feeling of unable to be right where I want to be with who I want to be sometimes gets me choking for air to breathe… Tough as it seems, I know I must keep going and keep fighting for that end to happen. And I just know I can reach the peak.

It just seems impossible at the bottom of the mountain. But once you reach there, you can’t ever remember how you managed to overcome everything along the way. And you stayed strong all the way up, with thoughts of giving up poping out from time to time, you hurt, you feel pain, you fear, you tremble, you bleed, you clench your teeth hard, and yet you keep going and yet you didn’t stop in the middle. And yet, you know you will get there, you will reach that peak and joy and find happiness and the clear air up there. But you gotta climb.

I then listened to the TED talk about a Venezuela immigrant to the US, her father wanted her to experience multicultural and sent them at a young age to the US for a summer camp, as things didn’t work out when she grew up to be a journalist in Venezuela, due to censorship, she realized what her father had been preparing her for, to work abroad. And as an immigrant, she learned the lesson of being different is what makes us special. This reminded me of dad, whom when I went home from kindergarten in the UK at the age of 4, doubted myself of having smaller eyes and black hair which is different from my classmates, said to me “That’s what makes you special.” Dad probably had no idea how powerful that sentence were and how it had a long and strong impact to my life in the following years up until now. I always remember vividly that what makes me different makes me special. And I felt so thankful of my family. The one person was great and wonderful in many aspects was wrong about one thing. he said I was neither culture. But in fact I’m both, and in fact that makes me special, and that should not be a problem, or, at least, my problem.

Then I watched some of Joanna Soh’s quotes, she is a Malaysian fitness trainer whom I really look up to. And found some strength too.

Overall, feeling inner peace and inner joy, as well as appreciating things around me is very helpful to dealing with depressed feelings. One little thing is that for those who make us in pain, we can try to empathy, but we should also always always put ourselves first. Heal and then forgive, or forget.

Stay strong and smile while you are reading this. Because that’s the strongest weapon we can put on ourselves. 🙂

 

With love,

Arrival of summer

It is hot and sunny today, here’s to the sunny summer.

I still remembered how I first arrived in Uppsala, hiding from the sun while everyone else was magnetically attracted to the sun. I was alone lying in the shadow. And I have never loved the sun so much after an year of study and living in the north, magnetically attracted to the sun like everyone else.

Leaving me a love and hate situation about the sun now.

I guess the surroundings matter A LOT.

Life is tough 機會命運

I hate to admit it. I have always remained very positive and believed everything happens in the best possible way. Only until now, things are sort of messed up and the chances of the road taken or not becomes very crucial, as I age and as I need to become more independent of my own bills and future life planning, but still, I kept reminding myself what seems like a disaster and what hurts the most now might be the most valuable things in the future.

But apparently my appeal letter worked out well. It’s a late justice and couldn’t be more late. The whole system is stupid and unfair, there’s a huge value gap between countries and obviously, when we apply to something on a different continent, we need to apply our rules to their rules. It’s not so obvious for them to see however, because something they may value that I have is not valued in my country and therefore they cannot see the values that I hold applies to theirs, so the best way out is to apply to both rules. Which doubles the difficulty, but unfortunately, that’s how it is. If one doesn’t confine to the rules, chances are that you are not to be seen.

What can I learn from this? I should stop being naive and believe the road will straighten itself as I cross the path.

Sometimes I am very naive, because that’s when you become open minded to try and to give yourself the ability to fail as well. Which I think is valuable because that’s when something you want really happens.

But naive come with a cost and a price, and I come to realize naive is for those who have the capital to. Which is more and more so as the income gap is increasing not only within the country but also across different continents and across different countries. And naive is only for those who are rich enough to. I cannot be that do whatever I want anymore. I need to count and need to take up the responsibility. Sad and realistic as it is and as I have never been, I still need to face it.

Life is tough. But you will be stronger after you fight against it and make a difference to benefit others. Keep carry on, hold to your ground.

A long time ago paper…how long is mystery

  1. It’s pure boring
  2. You can’t endure another minute.

I thought I belong to the first one, but truly, there is no idol or motivation for me to follow upon. I can’t see where I am ending up.

Whatever pain means nothing when you are going your own path, and it doesn’t matter where you will land on on the path.

Show your determination and no one will stop you

If you are not painful enough, you are not gaining either.

有捨才有得

Love yourself

從結果回推,現在做的事情再怎麼就會有意義

send the data visualization link

Do it take the chances. 不是對自己負責的問題

Motivation is difficult to find, making it visible is easier.

Give yourself time limit to decide things

 

Go far, go together

Making decisions is never easy

As much as I found myself once again lost amidst memories and the future and where I am now.

I reminded myself again why I am here, I realized in order to fully enjoy. I needed something more concrete, a more concrete idea of the future and myself, my role in this research. And enjoy each and every step I take. Keep moving and keep working with a good imagination and future framework of what I can be of.

Life is not the moments of breath you take, it’s the moments that take your breath away.

It’s not easy and I think more and more, but not necessarily a bad thing.